On rites and rights — I performed my first gay wedding

I’m not one to preach.
But last weekend I was called upon to perform a marriage out of love for two young men, deeply in love.
Over that same long, holiday weekend, Kim Davis, the once-meek Kentucky county clerk now hoisted to celebrity status by anti-gay-marriage crusaders and a couple of 2016 presidential wannabes, spent five nights in jail for refusing to issue marriage licenses – which is her job.
She sheathed her pen, pitting the supreme being vs. the Supreme Court’s Obergefell v. Hodges ruling on June 26, which legalized gay marriage nationwide.
If the irony of a marriage-license-wielding clerk in her fourth marriage isn’t enough, or a court denizen breaking the law or even a citizen standing up for religious liberty while denying others due process, then maybe it's time to throw the good book at the good clerk.
Rowan County Clerk of Courts Kim Davis waves to a crowd of her supporters at a rally in front of the Carter County Detention Center in Grayson, Ky., on Sept. 8, 2015. Davis was ordered to jail last week for contempt of court after refusing a court order to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples. (Photo: Ty Wright, Getty Images)
I’m not a Christian. But one of the grooms I married was raised Catholic, so I spent weeks thinking about how to weave God’s word into the ceremony. Mostly, I focused on the love passages.
And here’s what I learned the Bible also has to say about:
• Judgment. From Matthew 7:1-3: “Judge not, that ye be not judged. ... And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?”
• Equality. From Numbers 15:15: "For the assembly, there shall be one statute for you and for the stranger who sojourns with you, a statute forever throughout your generations. You and the sojourner shall be alike before the Lord."
As humans, it’s hard to avoid interpreting what we read through the filter of our own beliefs. It’s easy to misinterpret.
Amid such excitement lately over Pope Francis’ seemingly progressive pronouncements, an August survey by the Public Religion Research Institute and Religion News Service found that nearly half of Americans who are in favor of gay marriage mistakenly believe that the pope is, too.
They recall his “Who am I to judge …?” remarks as a breakthrough, especially in contrast to the words of his predecessor, Benedict XVI, who wrote a decade ago that homosexuality was “a strong tendency ordered toward an intrinsic moral evil,” a “disorder.” Francis even used the less-clinical and English word “gay” speaking in Italian, which made him seem more compassionate, while still adhering to the church’s anti-gay doctrine.
The mother of one of the grooms I married Saturday elected not to witness the blessed event because of her devout Catholic convictions.
I am not one to judge. She is a lovely woman who loves her son dearly. I only pray she can live with no regrets.
Because if there’s one lesson my first gay wedding framed well, it's this: Live and let love and eschew regret. Indeed, the ceremony went off with a hitch — many hitches. The cake fell over. The sound system failed. The entire schedule went kablooey as last-minute details were nailed into place.
Yet the joie de vivre expressed by the grooms and 60-plus merrymakers was transcendent. A few relatives may not have been in attendance, but God was surely there, in the light on everyone’s faces.
can only pray that Davis and her supporters will be thus illuminated. As I said in my sermon: "I hope that someday all men who love men and women who love women — and everyone in between — will no longer feel scorn and hostility from certain corners of society."
For marriage, contrary to what some might think, is not about losing your freedom. For some, it’s about exercising it.

Ashlee-Paige Bednar - Daniel Lane Holmes

Ashlee-Paige Bednar and Daniel Lane Holmes were united in marriage at 6 p.m. Saturday, Aug. 29, in Immanuel Baptist Church. James F. Holmes, grandfather of the groom, officiated.
The bride is the daughter of Melinda Colleen Beaty of Little Rock and Jon Phillip Bednar of Loudon, Tenn. Her grandparents are Vonda and the late Girdle Beaty Jr. of Benton and Sharron and the late Andrew Phillip Bednar of Jonesboro.
Terri and Byron Lane Holmes, 205 Vigne Lane, are the parents of the groom. His grandparents are Peggy and James Scott and Bette and James F. Holmes, all of Little Rock.
Arrangements of mostly succulents decorated the chancel. Nuptial music was by pianist Jon Hynes and organist Lyndon Finney.
Given in marriage by her father, the bride wore an ivory mermaid-style gown embellished with Swarovski crystals. The lace bodice had a sweetheart neckline and the skirt was formed of layers of tulle and lace. She carried a bouquet of blue and cream roses, light pink lisianthus, purple stock, succulents and seeded eucalyptus.
Maid of honor was Elizabeth Leggett of Seattle. Bridesmaids were Ali Glasier of Rogers; Abigail Scott and Lindsey Price, both of Kansas City, Mo.; Becky Bednar of Knoxville, Tenn.; Lauren Stringer of White Hall; and Hannah Thomas, Jordan Boris and Jessica Crain, all of Little Rock. They wore one-shoulder black chiffon gowns and carried bouquets of hydrangeas, roses, stock and lisianthus. Junior bridesmaid was Summer Cathey of Little Rock, cousin of the groom.
Flower girls were Greer Jennings and Anderson Jennings of Rogers, and ring bearer was Gage Cathey of Little Rock, all cousins of the groom.
Kyle Holmes of Little Rock was his brother's best man. Groomsmen were Payden Richards of Tulsa; Jonathan Bednar of Knoxville, brother of the bride; Greg Gibson of Marianna; and Ross Dunn, Alex Bennett, Nate Talley, Phillip Kosmitis and Tanner Bailey, all of Little Rock. Guests were seated by Will LaFoe and Andrew LaFoe of Cape Girardeau, Mo., cousins of the bride.
A reception at Chenal Country Club followed the ceremony. Guest tables were centered with gold candelabras and elevated arrangements of succulents and rich purple, pink and cream wedding flowers. Music was by The Shotgun Billys. Assisting were Elizabeth LaFoe of Columbia, Mo., and Sarah Bednar of Jonesboro, cousins of the bride.
The bride has a bachelor's degree in communications from the University of Arkansas at Fayetteville, and is employed by Arvest Central Mortgage Co. as an insurance claims specialist.
The groom graduated from the university's Walton College of Business with bachelor's degrees in business and finance. He is employed by Grace Composites Fiberglass Co. in Lonoke.

THE ANATOMY OF A 'VOGUE' WEDDING

A wedding is a momentous occasion in any person's life. Some weddings, however, are more special than others — those being the ones covered by Vogue.
What separates a civilian wedding from one worthy of the fashion bible's attention? Here are some questions to get you started: Were one or more of the Courtin-Clarins sisters in attendance? Was the bride's veil longer than her entire body? Did she arrive at the ceremony by boat? Did Snoop Dogg surprise guests with a performance? Was Anna Wintour the mother of the groom? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then the wedding has earned the right to immortality in the annals of Vogue's aspirational wedding column, conveniently available online for all to browse.
In order to understand the distinctive characteristics of a Vogue wedding, we analyzed the 57 ceremonies profiled by the title since September 2010. Of this group, only two weddings featured a same-sex couple (those of Coach Creative Director Stuart Vevers and Joseph Altuzarra, respectively) and only eight weddings look place outside of Europe and the U.S. There are lot of Brits and Italians having fancy weddings, apparently, and Vogue is on the case.
To simplify the project, we relied only on information included in the wedding profiles. These all varied in coverage and often did not make mention of every notable guest or family member that could have impacted Vogue's decision to cover the event in the first place. We also skipped weddings that were covered by the magazine but did not include interviews or access to personal images — the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge's wedding, for example.
Enough preamble. On to the cold, hard, lace-trimmed facts.
THE BRIDES
Who are these women and how do they get chosen for such an auspicious profile? Sometimes the piece itself provides plenty of justification. Fashion entrepreneur and presidential granddaughter Lauren Bush's wedding to David Lauren, son of Ralph, is a match made in Vogue heaven, no question. But sometimes the bride is an "Icelandic former model" and the reason for coverage is a bit murkier. Of the weddings we examined, 13 brides were fashion, jewelry or furniture designers and six were models. Eighteen worked in some kind of creative field, from filmmaking to writing; four worked in PR or marketing; four worked in finance; three were in business development; two were stylists; one was a lawyer and four had no discernible occupation.
Eight people featured worked at Vogue or Vogue UK, either currently or previously, and two people were related to someone on staff — proving that working in the fashion industry or at Vogue is a big reason that couples get chosen. See former Vogue market assistant Mollie Ruprecht's three day wedding (#thebattwedding) in St. Barts, above.
THE DESIGNER GOWNS
The Vogue bride has extremely high tastes, of course. With the exception of a few brides who borrowed from mothers or designed dresses in partnership with independent labels, most wore haute couture or runway gowns by designers like Alice Temperely or Tom Ford. And usually, one designer gown is not enough: 19 brides changed into another dress for the reception and six brides wore more than three high-end dresses over the course of the wedding festivities.
The most popular designer was Valentino, followed by Giambattista Valli and Oscar de la Renta. Dolce & Gabbana and Olivier Theyskens ranked next. (You may recall Lauren Santo Domingo's Theyskens-designed gown that famously appeared in the Sept. 2008 issue of Vogue.) Fabiola Beracasa — whose wedding Riccardi Tisci called “the best wedding I’ve been to in my life”— wore a custom Givenchy dress that required 1,600 hours of workmanship in the house's haute couture atelier (see above).
THE DESIGNER-AS-GUEST
Since designer gowns are a moot point at this level, the distinguishing mark of a truly sophisticated wedding is securing the designer's attendance as a guest — and 21 brides were lucky enough to pull it off. Examples include Molly Fishkin, whose dress was created by close friends Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen (see above), and Elizabeth Cordry, who had an extremely special visit from Oscar de la Renta shortly before he passed away on the day of her marriage (#thismasticmoment) to Anna Wintour's son Charlie Shaffer (see below).

Pope weighs in on divorced Catholics who remarry

Pope Francis declared on Wednesday that divorced Catholics who remarry, as well as their children, deserve better treatment from the church, warning pastors against treating these couples as if they were excommunicated.
Catholic teaching considers divorced Catholics who remarry are living in sin and are not allowed to receive Communion, leaving many of these people feeling shunned by their church.

Pope Francis is greeted by newlyweds during a general audience at the Vatican's Paul VI hall on August 5, 2015. FILIPPO MONTEFORTE/AFP/GETTY IMAGES
Francis' emphasis on mercy in church leadership has raised hope among many such Catholics that he might lift the Communion ban. Catholics who divorce after a church marriage but don't take up a new union, such as a second marriage, can receive Communion.
"Lots of people feel alienated from the church, they don't feel welcome there," Candida Moss, theologian professor at the University of Notre Dame, told CBS News correspondent Don Dahler in September. "But it seems like Francis is saying that the church has to be more progressive, it needs to be more practical and it needs to be more compassionate."
The Vatican this fall is holding a month-long follow-up meeting on family issues, after a similar gathering last year left divorced Catholics who remarry hoping in vain that a quick end to the ban would have resulted from those discussions.
In his latest remarks on divorce, Francis didn't go that far. But he insisted on an attitude change in the church. "How do we take care of those who, following the irreversible failing of their family bond made a new union?" he said.
"People who started a new union after the defeat of their sacramental marriage are not at all excommunicated, and they absolutely must not be treated that way," Francis told pilgrims and tourists at his first general audience after a summer break. "They always belong to the church." The church, he said, must be one of "open doors."
The pope acknowledged that church teaching considers "taking up a new union" after divorce wrong.
"The church knows well that such a situation contradicts the Christian sacrament," of marriage. Still, Francis said, the church must always "seek the well-being and salvation of persons."
Francis wondered how the church can insist that the children of these failed marriage be raised by their parents "with an example of convinced and practiced faith, if we keep them (the parents) far from the community life (of the church) as if they were excommunicated?"
He exhorted pastors "not to add additional weight beyond what the children in this situation have to bear. Unfortunately the numbers of these children and young people are truly great."
In his papacy, Francis has frequently suggested seeing situations through the eyes of others.
"If we look at these new ties with the eyes of young children ... we see ever more the urgency to develop in our community true welcome toward people living in these situations," Francis said.
Other than being widowed, the only possible way for Catholics who marry in the church to remarry is receiving an annulment. That long, complicated process essentially involves examining whether the marriage never existed in the first place. Grounds for annulment include refusal by a spouse to have children.
Previous pontiffs had complained that annulments in some places, notably in the United States, were being granted too liberally.
Francis ended his weekly audience by greetings newlyweds in attendance - brides and grooms in their wedding outfits.

Top do's and don'ts from etiquette expert William Hanson

From 'naff figures' on top of the cake to flashing too much flesh, opinionated etiquette expert William Hanson separates the distinguished from the downright rude.
The happy couple
Presents
Asking for money instead of presents is very bad form. I’ve even heard of bank details being printed on the invitation – this is grim indeed. You should have a
gift list, but also allow people to buy you things that aren’t on the list.
Cake
Figures on a wedding cake are a no-no
A fruit cake is a nice tradition, and it is lovely to keep the top layer for your first child’s christening (if it’s made with enough alcohol, fruit cake lasts a very long time). Naff little figures on top of the cake are not the done thing.
Music
If you choose to have a DJ rather than a band or a string quartet, remember that many of the older generation – or, in fact, anyone with any taste – may choose to slip away early. Don’t assume your granny is going to enjoy dancing to David Guetta as much as you do, so try to cater to all tastes.
Tables
Consider naming the tables after something personal to you, such as houses you’ve lived in, countries you’ve visited together, or your favourite flowers.
Reception
Limiting some guests to reception-only is sure to create problems. People may get het up about it, and it’s a disaster that can be avoided. If you don’t like them enough to invite them to the wedding ceremony, why are you having them there in the evening?
Bridesmaids and ushers
Have a maximum of THREE bridesmaids
Having too many bridesmaids makes your big day look like something from a celebrity magazine, not a chic royal wedding.
Three is absolute maximum, although if you’re getting married in a cathedral, you may allow yourself one or two more. You shouldn’t have too many ushers either, just enough to do the job.
And never ever ask bridesmaids or ushers to buy their own clothes – if you can’t afford their outfits,have fewer of them.
Invitations
Postal invitations should always be sent (about eight weeks in advance) – never invite people on Facebook or by email.
You can tell a lot about the type of wedding it will be from the invitation:if it’s fun and jolly, it will probably be a relaxed affair; if the invite is in a traditional style, it will most likely be a more formal event.
Bridal showers
Just awful – it’s presumptuous to expect to be showered with gifts. If you do have a bridal shower, it should not be organised by the bride or any direct family members, and you shouldn’t expect additional presents at the wedding.
Guests
Yea or nay?
Never do Facebook invites
Respond to the invitation within two to three days. Traditionally, responses should be written in the third person, repeating the invitation back.
Nowadays you may phone or email your response.
Parents
Remember to be a help rather than a hindrance. If you’re paying for the wedding, then you do have more of a say, and your children need to accept this. The bride’s parents should not be expected to pay for everything any more – the cost should be shared.
Children
If a child’s name isn’t on the invite, they are not invited. It’s worth double-checking with the couple, but don’t pressure them to invite your offspring. It’s up to them whether they want children there.
Photos
Getty Try not to upload photos of the day until the bride and groom have
Don’t post pictures on social media before the bride and groom have uploaded theirs. And if you have a photograph of the bride not looking her best, don’t share it.
What to wear
Gents
If morning dress is not specified, make sure you ask whether it is required. If it’s not morning dress, a chap should wear a lounge suit. In the summer, you can get away with a lighter suit, or a linen one if it’s too hot for a wool one. The top
button must always be done up, and a tie has to be worn.
Ladies
You must wear tights, even if it is a summer wedding. Traditionally, you should also wear a hat and gloves too – if it’s morning dress, this is a must. Your dress should not be higher than the knee, particularly if the wedding is in a church.
Rex Save your biggest hat for Ascot not your friends' nuptials
Black and white
It’s bad luck to wear black at a wedding, not to mention poor taste. Also, in the summer, black is the last colour you want to wear, as you’re going to boil. And don’t go for white unless you’re the bride.
Elements of black or white in your dress are fine, but turning up in an LBD is just not the done thing.
Hats
If it’s a formal church wedding, it’s likely you’ll be expected to wear a hat. If you’re unsure, check with the bride or groom beforehand.
But remember, it’s not Royal Ascot where you can wear huge hats with wide brims, as you’ll obscure the view of the ceremony for the people sitting behind you. A lady always keeps her hat on in church, whereas a man should take it off.

What to do when weddings bring out worst

Dear Carolyn: My friend is having a destination wedding. We have small children, which would make travel very difficult, and we have nobody to leave them with at home. And while we could technically afford it, it would set us back more than we are comfortable with; we'd be using our "if something bad happens, we need this" pot.
We do not question our decision to send our regrets. The problem is that our friend is taking this personally, and the guilt trips, while relatively mild, are persistent. I really think that if you have a wedding that requires (multiple!) planes, you need to recognize your guest list may shrink and not blame guests who are unable to make the trip.
I'm struggling to say this in a kind way. I've said other things about the difficulty of travel with kids, although not the bit about the money, since I don't like sharing finances with friends and worry the friend would also take our prioritizing of our rainy-day fund personally, too. Any suggestions?
Dear Blues: Often, clarity is kindness. Next time Friend cranks out the guilt: "Multiple planes + small kids = non-starter. You seem to be taking this personally; am I hearing you correctly?"
Get it out there. Say what you need to say; listen to what you need to listen to. Then, that's it — you no longer engage on this topic.
Normally, I'd skip right to the do-not-engage square, since "no" is both a complete sentence and a sufficient response to an invitation. However, your attempts to say this "in a kind way" suggest you've undermined your goal of communication by mincing around the truth. So, be direct, then be done.
Dear Carolyn: I have a very dear friend who is about to get married in a family-only wedding. She has also announced she will be having a wedding reception two days after Thanksgiving. My in-laws are super-sensitive about any perceived slights, given the (not very much) time we commit to spending with them, and we committed to Thanksgiving this year. They live far from the reception location.
If this were my friend's actual wedding, I would go no matter what. But for a party, I don't want to take on the hassle involved in finding a way there. I've often used your wedding advice as a guide, but I don't know what you would think about a pseudo-wedding.
Dear Attending: Scoff much? This isn't a "re-enactment" or a "pseudo-wedding," it's a reception. If you just don't want to go, then don't go, but at least give your "very dear friend" the benefit of the doubt.
I often advise an after-the-fact reception as a solution to many problems that plague weddings — including, but not limited to, high costs, planning hassles, problematic family members, loved ones who live far from a wedding site and a desire for an intimate wedding but an inclusive celebration.
If anyone deserves skepticism here, it's people too "super-sensitive" to defer to a very dear friend's life celebration, especially if you go solo and their child comes as planned for Thanksgiving. But maybe that's just me.

MSC Lirica to feature in BBC’s primetime TV show Don’t Tell The Bride

The show, which will move from BBC3 to a new primetime slot at 8pm on BBC1, follows grooms as they plan an entire wedding celebration on their own without any input from their brides-to-be.
In the third episode of the ninth series, Manchester-based Mark Kelly will prepare a theatrical wedding aboard cruise ship MSC Lirica for sweetheart Kelly Roughley. Kelly had already found her sea legs as she previously worked aboard cruise ships but Mark had never been to sea before. Despite appearing to be the perfect venue in Mark’s eyes in true Don’t Tell The Bride style, Kelly will be expecting something much more traditional.
The couple currently work together as presenters, actors, singers, a magician/illusionist duo, and children’s entertainers. They used to host Salford City Radio’s drive time show and also spent two weeks on Channel 4’s Coach Trip in 2014.
MSC Cruises executive director UK and Ireland Giles Hawke said the show would introduce the brand to a new audience of younger, fun-loving potential clients. He said “Don’t Tell The Bride has become a real cult classic and attracts fantastic viewing figures. The fact that it is switching to a primetime spot on BBC1 demonstrates how popular it has become.”
He continued, “MSC Cruises invests in marketing in a very different way from our rivals in the UK. We aim to maximise our exposure in clever ways and demonstrate what makes us different and special. An MSC cruise is for people who love life, don’t take themselves too seriously and want a real holiday rather than a more staid and stuffy experience. We decided to take part because we have the utmost confidence in our on-board events teams and knew the staff on MSC Lirica would be able to handle any of the requests thrown at them. The programme highlights what a great job they do and what a great alternative wedding venue an MSC Cruises ship can be.”
MSC Cruises offers three different types of wedding packages which all include the services of a dedicated wedding planner. Prices for the silver, gold and platinum packages start from €490, €590, and €690 respectively (approximately £354, £426 and £498 respectively). The wedding planners work with couples to handle all the details of planning the wedding and ceremonial packages include options for everything from photography and video, music, fresh flowers, food and beverage and a cake. Weddings on-board are symbolic so couples need to have a legal ceremony on land too.
This hour-long episode was filmed on-board MSC Lirica in September 2014 and is scheduled to air on Wednesday 8 July at 8pm on BBC1. The new series of Don’t Tell The Bride starts on Wednesday 24 June.
MSC Cruises is the latest cruise line to be featured in a television show. Earlier this year Azamara Club Cruises’ vessels featured in Nigel Marven’s nature documentary Cruise Ship Adventures. Last year, Princess Cruises’ Royal Princess featured in the fly-on-the-wall documentary The Cruise Ship.